Film Reviews

Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Dead Men Tell No Tales, As Reviewed By a Franchise Newbie (Kind Of)

Pretend your last memory of Captain Jack Sparrow is watching him sail away on The Black Pearl. That the last time you saw Elizabeth Swan and Will Turner they’d finally shared a big romantic kiss and pledged love for one another. Any of their future adventures remain a mystery to you, meaning you’re not bogged down by overstuffed plots which continually defy logic, run times which continually tax patience and CGI which continues to look too cheap for how much it cost to make. More importantly, you haven’t had 14 years of your love for Johnny Depp’s unhinged performance as Sparrow to turn to extreme annoyance, if not outright hatred.

For some of you, such an act of selective amnesia might be impossible. For others, it might not seem worth the bother, especially since some things can never be unseen or forgiven (looking at you, Pirates of the Caribbean 4). However, it’s exactly what Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Dead Men Tell No Tales (or Salazar’s Revenge elsewhere in the world) aims for. All you need to know about the sequels is Will Turner sure did turn into some kind of ghost. Other than that, Dead Men is made in the spirit of the original and acts as a soft reboot which can be understood equally by new and returning audiences.

I personally fall somewhere in-between the new and returning. After Black Pearl, I avoided all of the sequels due to the toxic word of mouth and only saw Dead Men this weekend because I had a couple of hours to kill. To those better versed in the franchise’s history Dead Men might seem like another retread adventure in which Depp makes a mockery of a once-great character and Disney again cynically pilfers the world’s wallet. To me, it was a surprisingly fun summer blockbuster delivering spectacle, heart, romance, a fantastic villain and, of course, a funny monkey. Sure, it resembles a mid-era Marvel Studios film in the way the plot is driven forward by a MacGuffin all the characters are chasing after before devolving into a third act orgy of CGI mayhem. Plus, many of its major plot points seem like re-workings of Curse of the Black Pearl. Still, the film is far better than it has any right to be.

The story this time around involves Will’s son Henry (Brenton Thwaites) looking to undo his father’s curse. Along the way he meets fellow franchise newbie Carina (Maze Runner’s Kaya Scodelario), an amateur astrologist/horologist with modern sensibilities, and, of course, a down-on-his-luck Jack Sparrow as well as Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), who plots with the enemy out of pure self-preservation. A unique set of broadly funny circumstances brings all of these characters together, and through the unifying force of a common enemy (Javier Bardem’s fantastically played Salazar, who, like Rush in Black Pearl, captains a ship of the damned and has a troubled history with Sparrow) they have equal need of the MacGuffin (Poseidon’s Trident, which can break curses and deliver great treasures) but differing plans for what they’ll do with it once they find it (in general, the non-pirates lean selfless and the pirates lean selfish).

Add in familiar franchise set pieces like Jack improbably surviving an execution attempt, Jack being marooned on an island and the heroes encountering scary gothic horror creatures (two words: zombie sharks!), an unnecessary cameo by a pop star (Paul McCartney) and you’ve got yourself a surprisingly coherent Pirates movie.

There’s a pull quote for the poster: “Pirates 5 – Surprisingly Coherent!”

Under Gore Verbinski and Rob Marshall’s stewardship, the Pirates movies gained a reputation for being astonishingly incoherent. New-to-the-franchise co-directors Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg (Kon-Tiki) were well aware of that when they took over and sought to return Pirates to its glory days. So, they analyzed Black Pearl and pinpointed everything great about it which they wanted to put in their film. As Rønning told EW:

“It’s scary, it’s funny, and most of all it’s a comedy, but with great heart, and that structure and the dynamics between the characters was something I really wanted to try and reinvent. It’s basically a love story. It’s a period piece, yes, but about real people falling in love, with Jack Sparrow coming in every now and then crashing the party. But it’s important that, since Jack doesn’t really have a character arc, you as an audience have to really invest in the other characters.”

As such, Dead Men is carried by Henry and Carina. Their chemistry together as a potential romantic couple is no better than Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley’s, but their bantering is amusing and individual storylines suitably engaging. Scodelario’s Carina particularly entertains as a woman ahead of her time (e.g., her interest in science has led the men in power to label her a witch) whose annoyance with ignorance is humorously tested by being dropped on a boat with a bunch of pirates. Before that, Carina is nearly executed for witchcraft, and her ingeniously condescending speech to the idiot peasants gathered to see her hang is delivered for all its comic worth.

And that is something Dead Men has in spades – jokes. Broad comedy set pieces purposefully evoking silent film slapstick (e.g., Jack strapped to a rotating guillotine or Jack doing his best Buster Keaton while trapped in a runaway bank), bawdy humor (e.g., pirates have an understandably crude reaction to the word horologist) and Vaudeville routines (e.g., a literal shotgun wedding where a debate must be held without ever accidentally saying “I do”) abound.

But I suppose none of this particularly matters if you don’t like Depp’s Jack Sparrow. In fact, the thing about Jack many object to is the thing Dead Men’s directors love: he doesn’t really have a character arc. After 14 years and 5 movies this means we have a character who is fundamentally incapable of change, and if Jack never changes then it’s just Depp getting paid $20m and back-end profits to again trot out his Keith Richards impression, which seems to get bigger and more cartoonish with each sequel (or so I gather).

I get that, and recognize my enjoyment of Dead Men is partially because this is only the second Jack Sparrow film I’ve ever seen. Dead Men does have an interesting flashback laying out Jack’s origin story, but even with it I recognize the film certainly could have done more with him, as THR argued:

In the early going, there’s a sense of a possible arc for Jack that could function as a meta-commentary on Depp’s career. Sparrow loses his pirate crew (including his longtime best friend Joshamee Gibbs) because he’s “lost his luck.” Thus, the film could have depicted Jack’s desire to get his mojo back. Instead, by the end, all is well again, without the sense that Jack’s mojo is back; instead, it just feels like his old crew has accepted that Jack will always be their captain, like it or not.

However, I didn’t go to see the continuing evolution (or lack thereof) of Jack Sparrow. I went for a perfectly diverting pirate movie with swashbuckling action, lighthearted humor, an easy-to-follow plot and the good sense to end after just 2 hours. That might seem like a low bar, but it’s all that can possibly be expected from this franchise at this point.


Dead Men is a soft reboot of an oft-beleaguered franchise, clearly aiming to ape the 2003 original in tone, story construction and the proper placement of Jack Sparrow in the story, recasting him as the jokester co-star, not the center of attention (even though the power of his personality automatically pulls focus). It might not be good enough to win back those audiences who’ve turned on the franchise, but if you come to it with fresh eyes and a high tolerance for Depp’s Keith Richards impression you’ll find plenty to appreciate.



  1. I think the second one (Dead Man’s Chest) is actually better than Black Pearl. Hans Zimmer’s music in that one is fantastic…but it’s probably not a good thing that the only thing I remember is the music. But I genuinely remember thinking Dead Man’s Chest was the best of the lot and that Davy Jones was a fantastic villain. And if you see the second then you’ll feel obliged to watch the third cause of the cliff-hanger. But the fourth one is terrible. Completely of no consequence to the series’ overall story. Yeah. I sound like a huge fan but I’m actually among those who aren’t going to see this new one. The hype for wonder woman is too overpowering.

    1. That’s at least one thing which even Pirates haters will concede: Hans Zimmer’s score is fantastic.

      From what I can gather, the impact of Dead men is lessened if you are someone already familiar with the franchise because the fact that it is so clearly a rehash of Black Pearl will be all the more obvious. I didn’t have that problem. I re-watched Black Pearl after seeing Dead Men and noticed the many similarities.

      BTW, you are right about Stranger Tides. It’s gobsmackingly awful, slightly misogynist, completely inconsequential, made watchable only by Ian McShane’s occasionally Swearengen-esque line reading as Blackbeard. Dead Men is light years better. Plan on making my back to Pirates 2 and 3 this week. Only watched Stranger because it was on Lifetime this weekend and more easily accessible as a mostly standalone sequel.

  2. I am just trying your formula on other franchises to see if what you say is true. Lets see… Imagine watching the first police accademy film then imagine going to see the 7th one… No. Ok imagibe watching spy kids then.. No.. Ok got it.. Imagine watching Saw then… Argh put me down

    1. To quote Buzz Lightyear, “You’re mocking me, aren’t you?” All I can say is if police academy or saw or spy kids or saw have any sequels which are soft reboots designed to draw in those who skipped the sequels then by all means try to replicate what I advocated with Pirates.

  3. Dead Man’s Chest is a bloated sequel that’s fun to watch even if I can’t remember much of it now, aside from some funny Jackie Chan-like sword fights and Davy Jones’s great SFX and make-up. Black Pearl is still the best in the series, while Stranger Tides I’d recommend to you if only for the reason that it didn’t try to be as big and convoluted as the previous two. I also liked it better than the second and third combined. It’s also 32% on RT, so I guess most critics were wrong. And I’ll probably watch the new one because I haven’t seen Depp for a while.

    1. Well, so far I have seen Black Pearl, Stranger Trides and Dead Men, and I’d rank them from best to worst Black Pearl, Dead Men and Stranger (I could have used more of Ian McShane’s hilarious Blackbeard line readings). Plan on fitting in Pirates 2 and 3 some time later this week.

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