The plot of Sony’s The Emoji Movie basically boils down to sentient emojis from within an iPhone working together to convince the phone’s owner, a tween boy, to use the perfect emoji to communicate his complicated feelings to a cute girl in a text message, and I kept thinking, “Yeah, but he could also just talk to her, or maybe send an actual text message, one not dependent on a damn emoji.”

Because I’m old.

And so not the target audience for the movie.

And never would have seen this forgettable 86 minutes of pure fluff if not for my 4-year-old niece’s borderline-scary insistence that I come with her and her brother and dad to a preview screening at the local drive-in last night. She proved to be the true star of the show with her frequent “I can’t believe I’m finally seeing this!” and “This is my new favorite part of the movie!” pronouncements rivaling Agnes from Despicable Me’s “It’s so fluffy!” in freakish excitement. However, by the end even she was struggling to care, spending a good couple of minutes walking around in my flip-flops (which looked like clown shoes on her) to amuse herself while the climax of the movie played out on the drive-in screen behind her.

Of course, “you couldn’t even hold a 4-year-old’s attention” is not necessarily as damning as I want it to be because, well, have you been around little kids these days? They have the attention span of gnats (I suddenly feel the need to add “and they won’t stay off my lawn” since I’m morphing into Mr. Wilson from Dennis the Menace before your very eyes). Thankfully, the steady churn of animated movies coming out of the Hollywood factory, delivering at least one new kids movie every 2 months, has been a godsend to parents who can rely on the certainty of always having something new to take their kids to where they’ll hopefully sit down and shut up for a couple of hours. If these movies happen to come from Disney, either Disney Animation or Pixar, it’ll probably be something you will enjoy just as much if not a little more than the kids. If it comes from anyone else then you hope for the best but learn to live with the worst.

The Emoji Movie is the worst. It blatantly rips off Wreck-It Ralph and Inside Out, makes astonishingly poor use of T.J. Miller (as the lead character Gene, an emoji capable of expressing more than one emotion even though Miller’s uninspired vocal delivery indicates he didn’t get that memo), offers up the dullest and least-inspired animation possible (far too much of it looks like warmed over Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures) and completely bungles its potential message. As Forbes’ Scott Mendelson put it in his review, “There are hints of a more poignant movie, hints of a rather upfront metaphor for young gay kids coming out of the closet, but they get trampled over by conventional plotting that almost seems designed to bury its subtext.” Instead, it’s just a remarkably bland movie with a remarkably bland message of, I dunno, let’s go with inclusiveness and learning to be okay with being complicated and not always easily reduced to a single emoji.

Considering that Mike White of Enlightened, HBO’s short-lived, but deeply felt series about spiritual ennui in America, is among the credited screenwriters you want to give more weight to what the movie has to say, but you can’t help but feel like someone simply watched Inside Out while high and crapped out their best, half-remembered imitation. Thus, the story sets Gene on a madcap journey through a malfunctioning mind (er, I mean phone) where he encounters a forgotten imaginary friend (er, I mean emoji, specifically the James Corden-voiced high five emoji) and comes to better understand a female sidekick who used to be a princess (and suddenly we’re in Wreck-It Ralph territory). And then someone from corporate did the finger thing that means the money (and in this case lucrative sponsorship contracts) and forced them to work in plot detours into Candy Crush, Just Dance, Spotify and Dropbox.

All of that imitation and corporate chicanery would be forgivable if the movie had anything worthwhile or new to say, but it doesn’t. That’s not to say it won’t please its target audience of little kids; it just might lead to plenty of exchanges like the one I overheard last night:

Son: “What was your favorite part of the movie, dad?”

Father: “This part. Right now.”

Son: “What? The closing credits?”

Father: “Yeah, because that means the movie is finally over. Thank God.”

Son: [Sad Face Emoji]

THE BOTTOM LINE

Patrick Stewart and James Corden earn a couple of laughs as their respective emojis Poop and Hi-Five, and little kids will probably be suitably distracted. Adults watching Emoji Movie, however, will ironically find themselves instinctively reaching for their phones in search of a distraction from the mind-numbing inanity playing out on screen.

ROTTENTOMATOES CONSENSUS

Screenshot 2017-07-28 at 12.12.01 PM.png

Advertisements

Posted by Kelly Konda

Grew up obsessing over movies and TV shows. Worked in a video store. Minored in film at college because my college didn't offer a film major. Worked in academia for a while. Have been freelance writing and running this blog since 2013.

9 Comments

  1. Oh, a Sony movie which isn’t any good. What a surprise. *insert flat speech emoji here”.

    Sony really, really needs to rethink its animation department…hopefully the animated Spider-man movie will push them into a better direction where they have actually a chance to shine due to a lack of rivals.

    Reply

    1. I actually forgot to note that The Emoji Movie comes with a Hotel Transylvania short which elicited exactly zero laughs and, in fact, zero noises whatsoever from those around me at the drive-in. So, Sony, um, Homecoming’s really great. Good for you. Cuz you don’t have much else going for you right now.

      Reply

      1. Well, despite what they claim, I am pretty sure that Sony had little creative control over homecoming.

      2. Agreed. According to Feige, the deal was basically Sony paid for the film and had control over distribution and marketing but the actual making of the movie was all handled by Marvel. There might have been something in the contract allowing Sony final say creatively, but it does not appear as if they really ever exercised that right.

  2. More than anything else, this comment makes you seem either very old or very much into vintage entertainment!

    “(I suddenly feel the need to add “and they won’t stay off my lawn” since I’m morphing into Mr. Wilson from Dennis the Menace before your very eyes).”

    😀

    The fact that you even know who Mr Wilson is is a dead giveaway!

    Reply

    1. In my defense, I actually had to look up the name of Dennis’ neighbor before making that joke. I thought it was Mr. Wilson, but I wasn’t sure. Also, is it sad that I only know the Dennis the Menace story through the Walter Mathau 1993 movie.

      I briefly challenged myself to come up with a more timely reference but then just moved on because a minute spent thinking any longer than you have to about The Emoji Movie is a minute wasted. My old go-to reference for old man “kids get off my lawn” had been Eastwood in Gran Torino, but I’ve already made that joke a couple of times on the site in the past.

      You’re right, though. If I was someone young reading my review I’d probably tune out as soon as I got to the Dennis the Menace bit because, whatever, that dude writing this shit is super old.

      Reply

  3. I don’t use emojis, I use words–so this whole emoji movie thing had me stone faced, eyebrow raised, wondering what the hell is wrong with the world that a company would shell out millions of dollars to make this thing. I just don’t get it. Emojis annoy me on principle anyway, so I know I’m definitely not the right audience for it and would never want to try to be. Yikes.

    Reply

  4. […] through King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, Alien: Covenant, Baywatch, The Mummy, The House and The Emoji Movie, but that’s the story of every summer. You take the good with the bad, and the opinions over […]

    Reply

  5. I see you don’t monetize your blog, don’t waste your traffic,
    you can earn additional cash every month because you’ve got hi quality content.
    If you want to know how to make extra bucks, search for: Mrdalekjd methods
    for $$$

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s